Waiting · to · breathe

I'm kind of bored right now, really. Things are pretty comfortable. I'm mostly over my pnuemonia, Stina spent the night last night after we went to dinner and main event. It was really fun. But we always have fun. Our bf's get jealous sometimes, but we can't help it. We just have so much fun with eachother, just going crazy. When we're together, we can say whatever weird thing is on our mind, talk about stuff we think is funny, can do the fun stuff that we both like to do, while feeling free. We're always laughing when we're together. It's not fair to them i suppose, but they just can't fill that gap.
I'm really proud of her when i hear her talk about how she doesn't need drugs or alcohol to have a good time and that she sticks up for that to her bf. Makes me feel easier about her resisting his influence. Anyway, we went to main event and did stuff like DDR, the guitar freaks game, this underwater game thing kind of like that old jaurasic park game with the guns, where we massacred mass amounts of possibly endangered marine life. We got really excited about that game hahaha. After that she beat me at air hockey(by one point!) and i won a bear at a claw machine (we both jumped up and down in excitement when i got it and it looked really cliche and funny).
Rocco's having freaky dreams from silent hill and talking in his sleep. So weird. I don't have any money left from my paycheck. I spent so much at main event >.<
I had a poetic moment in spanish today (ironic). Yuri, this guy who sits by me and melissa, fell asleep. This isn't really an odd ocurrence, but he looked really cute sleeping like that. I don't really know the guy or anything, but he looks cuter when he's asleep, like a little boy. Just one of those, -i want to draw this - moments. To me, it'd be nice if i could just walk around and observe people.
I have to go to work tonight. I hope things get better there. I'm getting the impression that my boss doesn't think i do my job. Entirely untrue. On the same hand, the crepe situation isn't getting much better, either. Sigh. Feels like i've lost Paul's favor, and even though i've gained Harrison's instead, I'm still uneasy, and not very good at anything yet. I'm sort of afraid to work in December, but it's not like i can hide from it. I'll just have to face it, right? Because i'm an adult now. Even if i fail, i won't run and hide! I won't be afraid of failure! Because there are worse things in life, right?
Harrison says he values skill in people, but he's still very nice to me. I was wondering about that, because, to him i must not be very good at anything important. Hahahaha. 
I feel sort of unsettled right now, dunno why. Maybe i'm just nervous. 
Rocco's really great to me lately. There's sort of a partnership feeling between us. I follow him around.... Sometimes i wish he would do something romantic. Bring me flowers, suprise me, push me up against a wall and kiss me or something. The chemistry between us is kind of nonexistant right now. Maybe we're both just so routine right now. Go to school, go to work, go to paul's, eat, sleep, clean, spend money. Repeat, repeat. Even the weather seems to be stuck. The leaves cheer me up, though. It should make me sad, right? But it doesn't. I like the ruddy color they give the city; the ground. Am i stuck, too? I can't escape the pattern of my life. I know exactly what's going to happen next. Isn't that sad?
I've been watching The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi. I got to the part where she's talking about why she is the way she is. How when she was little, she went to a stadium and was suprised by how many people there were. When she found out how mnay people were actually in Japan, she felt even more insignificant. And when she thought about how nothing that happened at her school in her class was different from what was happening everywhere else, she began to feel very bored. I can understand how she must feel. When she stood up in class and said that unless you were an alien, a specter, or a time-traveler, not to talk to her, there's a part of me there too.  I'm not really satisfied with "life". 
I'm not quite as concerned about not being anything but a little "blip" on the radar, but more so about living the mediocre, thoughtless, routine, typical existance. I still need to learn, eat, sleep, love, cry etc., but i want to somehow do it differently than everyone around me. 
I feel the same way as she does. I wish i were more than i am. No, i wish the world was more than what it is for me, because i'm the one that is already different. I wish i had a world that suited me. I want to go on a big adventure! I want to go with my loyal group and struggle to accomplish something, finding an exciting love on the way! 
This world is not accomidating for this sort of endeavor. I might create my own reality from it, though.  

Drama with Rocco has cooled down. Yeah, i know what you're thinking, but it happened just like i called it. I gave him space for a week, we hung out, he kissed me, and here we are again. Dunno if it makes me more confident about his inability to get away from me, or whether i should be concerned about the frequency of such outbursts. Shrug. Either way, here i am still.
We went to see Across the Universe at the Angelika on Saturday. It was fun. We picked him up at like 5, the movie wasn't until 7 and we had errands to run so he came along. We went to hobby lobby (originally with a purpose, on my part) and ended up goofing off. What can i say? I can't help it that i'm in a permanent state of love-struck ADD. We had a lot of fun there, in our way (wich means spelling P-E-N-I-S with the wooden letters and throwing foam balls at eachother, listening to the angry korean chic on his ipod, looking through the paintings, kissing him in between the aisles, and getting distracted by random sparkley stuff). We grabbed some food and headed to the shops at legacy. It's a neat theatre, the Angelika. Two stories, an elevator, escalator, and stairs. Only about 4 theatres in total, a bar/snack stand/coffee house, and a shic little lounge. Criss crossing lights on the floor...You get the gist. We felt pretty "cool". lol.
The movie was really good, (except for the alcohol exaggerated conversation between the couple to my left and their singing along to the songs). We'd been waiting to see that movie forever, together. I didn't really cry until Max Carrigan started singing Hey Jude. When the night was over, i asked him about it. Save "here without you" in the good ol' chris days, i hadn't really been wooed. Rocco only gave me the one mixed tape. It makes me feel bad to think that maybe i gave him too many, but that's beside the point i was trying to make. For some reason, when he gave me Hey Jude on my mixed tape, it was the song that took my breath away (kingdom come made me cry like a baby and feel really loved, don't worry). I know it means more to me than it does to him, but that's okay. It's something i hold tightly to my chest, for fear of it being tainted.
I have a secret want, that i scarely let past my lips. I secretly wish, deep down, to be like the girl in that movie. I want to be drawn. I want to be sung about. I want him to look at me and feel a deep apreciation for each part of me, body, mind, soul. I want him to see me as a whole, and be so inspired by it that his heart pangs with almost painful love and loyalty. I wonder if he ever has had such deep feelings for me. He must have, i can almost remember it. I constantly must accept, however, that i am the only one who looks at him with such tenderness, such deep apreciation for his existance. How remarkable it is to feel his skin beneath my fingertips, the warmth of his chest through his T-shirt. He's the most beautiful creature i've ever seen. I'd be content to just watch him all day. Is that feeling something that can be described in this language?
Anyway, today school was okay. Rocco was waiting for me when i got there in the morning. He didn't used to do that. On my way to class, i passed by Carlos and waited for him to finish hugging some girl who wasn't his girlfriend. He caught up with me and draped himself on me. I rolled my eyes, laughed, and told him i wasn't going to carry him to class. He whined and we walked to government together, It's difficult to concentrate in that class. Carlos is fun to talk to, i'm already super sleepy and barely awake, and it's a boring subject.
Spanish was fun as always, mostly because we had a sub and a loose curriculum that let me chat with Melissa all period practically. We talked about homecoming and stuff. She's one of my favorite people, i hope we don't lose touch after high school.
I had lunch with rocco, we lost track of time, and ended up being late to our classes. lol.
After school i had an interview at albertsons. Dad thinks i'm gonna give him a run for his money when it comes to popularity at that place. He took me to get my drug test at the clinic. It was the first time that i really had to fill out my own information and show my own ID, so i was a little nervous. Thos places are kinda sketchy and retarded anyway. It reminded me of scrubs. I wish i was going to see elliot instead, though. The worst part, though, was the sort of cute, under thirty male nurse that attended to me. More embarassing was the fact that i was on my period. Sigh. "Hey hottie, here's my pee" *wink* AS IF! Ugh.
Oh well. Karma owes me one now.

The weather is my bane these days. It's time for winter to start to groan and roll awake, but is failing to do so. Today when i was walking to my house at lunch, the sun was shining, moisture radiating through the well-watered grass like hot breath.

It feels like the end again. I'm so tired i can barely speak, or cry. My feelings can't reach him anymore, my voice has long since gone hoarse from calling in the direction of his faded footsteps.

"and i say baby,
so i feel stupid to call you but i'm lonely.
And i don't think you meant it
when you said you couldn't love me.
And i thought maybe if i kissed,
the way you do,
you'd feel it, too."

I'm pathetic for going on this long. Everyone would have left by now, wouldn't they? The warmth gone from his touch, the life stolen from my eyes, spilled all over the floor. He says "it's to painful to be without" me, but he ignores me. And still it's not as painful as not hearing his voice. What is wrong with me? What have I become? Am i this dispicable?

He says he's sorry...so sorry...

"but if i wanted silence,
I would whisper.
and if i wanted lonliness,
I'd choose to go.
And if i liked rejection,
I'd audition.
And if i didn't love you,
You would know."

What did i do to deserve this? Why won't he listen? Am i not worth it? Probably not. Is love too much to ask for? Am i the only one who would keep my promises?

It's all over now. I can't keep begging him. It's pathetic. He won't hear me. He probably will say, "what's her problem?" or think that i'm just asking too much. Everytime i think to myself "he really doesn't love me anymore" I feel like i'm dying. The tears won't stop.

"I wish it didn't matter.
I wish i didn't give you all"

D.PRES.SION. I have no one anymore. Sarah's working and busy with Zack and Amy can't really understand and Rocco just doesn't wanna hear about it and I hate having to try to depend on Zack. And i feel so pathetic to sit here and feel sorry for myself and i'm so mad that everytime i need rocco, he's "there for me", but you can tell he doesn't really care or want to know what's wrong. I'm so alone and i can't stand it and i'm just completely pathetic for being like this.I can't stand it. I hate being alone and no one cares. Things aren't like they used to be. All the friends i really loved are gone with their own lives and everything and i'm sitting in a room with all the memories, empty handed, and the people on the other side of the door aren't the ones i know and i can't deal with the fact that all those people are just dead and gone and so changed that they can't remember me or the things that were so important to us.

I don't even know where i am anymore. I don't remember what i'm supposed to be. Maybe it's my fault for failing and not having a busy life like they do.

I'm so lonely i feel like i'm gonna die.

I feel like i'm gonna die.

I wish someone would come and save me. I can't ask that anymore though. No one wants to save me anymore. I've run out of that. No one really cares that much anymore. Everything's useless. No one's going to come save me. I'm all alone.

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you
I wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find (what you will find)

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go (I want you to know)
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go


And on Top of it all. I miss stina more than anything. She could always cheer me up, no matter what. But i messed that up too and now i have nothing.

I went crazy today. Last night i had a dream i was coughing up blood and someone was yelling at me. It was probably myself. While i was riding my bike around the city, i came over a giant hill and started going down the other side toward a major street. I could see the cars zooming by ahead, and i sped toward them at a frightening pace. The closer i got, the faster i raced towards the street. I'd get hit if i didn't hit the brakes soon, but i was so desperate, so miserable, so insane with pain and self hatred that i hesitated. It was scary. At the last moment i hit the breaks and turned. 

I was just so disgusted with myself. I work so hard for hours everyday and i still have no chance of looking like the girls at school. I can't go buy pretty things to wear because nothing fits me. I don't fit into mediums(aka "normals") anyway i guess. I have to go large or extra large. I'm extra large.

And all of this self hatred is probably incurable because it comes from inside myself. Rocco really tries, and i feel so ashamed. He's going to get so fed up with my depression and low self esteem that he's just going to give and up leave. Angry, like everyone else.

He saved me again tonight, but how long will this last? How long will he feel like i'm worth it? How long until he gives up on me?

I'm a lost cause.

He reached in and crushed it all with his love. He says i'm perfect, ya know? I can't see any of it. All i see is a mediocre, boring, talentless, ugly, fat, girl thing that can't do or say anything right and doesn't fit in anywhere.

I owe him everything. What am i gonna do? How am i going to fix myself? Someone tell me.

I had a frightening dream about a demon and angel last night. The demon was standing slightly below me with a grotesque face, burning from the inside out and screaming, black feathers falling around him until he fell into the ground. But the angel above me burned as well with an equally grotesque face before flying up. It was after this happened that i woke up.

It was hard to get to sleep after that. Everytime i looked up i could imagine something sinister crawling towards me from the darkness, determined to drag me with it. The balloons stina gave me for my birthday assumed the shape of a person's sillhouette against the soft glow of my window. Despite my suspicion, sleep tugged at me with more impatience. I prayed that God would protect me and give me no more nightmares, but good, happy dreams.


I was standing in a hall with hardwood floors, waiting to find someone. I found him leaning against a pillar on the southwest corner of the hall that opened into a dining room. I kissed him, but a black leather butterfly covered his mouth. I removed it, and kissed his pursed lips. I was contented, but he wouldn't look at me after and rejected me, walking into the hall and out a door somewhere beyond. I was crying. It was like my whole face was wet. I was looking out the french windows in the dining room, wiping my face in absolute misery when i was startled by something. Rocco was standing in the corner to my left and i realized he had seen me cry. The funny part is that i could see him. Usually in my dreams, i know who someone is, but i don't see them in detail. Just a blur of identity. But i could see he was wearing a blue sweater that almost matched the shade of his jeans, the collar of a white undershirt showed. His dark eyes reflected the sparse amount of light in the room and his hair looked like it had been just trimmed. He just looked at me. The sight of him brought me back to myself. I felt relief, love, and vitality instead of feeling lost. He was tangible. He was real and there and he was the person that i wanted to be in that room with.

I know if he read this he might think of it as rejection or that my subconscious was acknowledging a mistake. I woke up from the dream feeling warm and content. My mistake in that dream was searching for love in something that was wrong. That man was collectively all the people that had been rejection to me my whole life. It seems childish, but a child's world is perfect

Things have been great, so i haven't written. Things are beautiful. I want to freeze-dry the past week and keep it alive forever. I feel ike myself. I feel healthy and loved. 

He's so strong/kind/beautiful...... how does he manage it?

Right now i'm missing his voice, but i've been missing him so much lately. It's like everytime i'm away from him my heart starts to ache. I will never stop feeling this way. His love is the only thing that can make me the person i want to be. 

 

yes. This is what i need. Simplicity. Stability. Love.

Oh you broke me, and i know it doesn't make you happy.

And i'm too tired to care what i am anymore. If you could just show me what i need to do, i won't do any more.

And when you said you couldn't stand to see me cry anymore, i felt more adored than i have for a long time.

Oh you broke me, and i know it doesn't make you happy.

Do you understand that telling me i'm not alone will make me call on you when i am? Are you prepared for that?

And i'll do my best to make you happy. I'll be quiet, and i'll let you do what you want.

Oh you broke me, and i know it doesn't make you happy.